Waffle cake creator and lover of all things purple

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West Sussex, United Kingdom

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Tiernan Douieb – Work in progress Edinburgh preview show

Tiernan's Fringe 2010 show “Littlest things” focuses on a few moments in his life where individuals surpass all assumed expectations, by expressing an act of unexpected kindness.
This show delivers a refreshing breeze of positivity into a form of entertainment which is so often used as a soap box to complain about life.

Furnished with a large cheeky grin, Tiernan took himself to the front of the curtain cladded little room at the Albion Hotel which has currently been commandeered by the £5 Fringe Team.

He began his fledgling show by explaining that it was still a work in progress and although the structure is sound, some of the links may be a bit flakey.
It soon became clear that he had been overly cautious with his warning, as Tiernan’s confidently solid performance was warmly recognized by an array of giggling attendees. Tiernan’s clean and almost childlike style of situation humour managed to tease a chuckle out of every age group present.

The backbone of the hour focused on delightfully sweet, anecdotal natter about 4 main influences. These main stories were then skillfully punctuated with sneaky page-break interludes. Snippets of amusing and sometimes silly happenings would build up to a crescendo of cleverly constructed puns.
The show was well paced and engaging which kept the audience completely on side. Tiernan is a well seasoned MC and makes audience interaction appear completely effortless as he quick fires a torrent of amusing retorts to the crowd led content section of the show.

There was the odd moment where the crib sheet was needed and the occasional link which would benefit from a touch of fine tuning but given this was the first preview after a rewrite, Tiernan made for a very enjoyable hour of comedic entertainment.

For more information about up coming shows, please visit his website: www.tiernandouieb.co.uk

Thursday, 6 May 2010

Review: Fat Tuesday- headliner Tim key

I have been thinking about how to write this review. I have read so many verbose, textually stunning pieces of literary art, depicting an evening as if it were the last sunset they would ever see. Beautiful as they are, I've decided I would just opt for telling you what it was like.

"Fat Tuesday", not to be confused with any of those other thyroid deficient week days, is a comedy night founded, run and usually MC’ed by one of lonely planet's London landmarks, Tiernan Douieb.

The night has been running for over 5 years and draws in both new and well established acts, not to mention a packed audience. Starwars day was no exception. All tickets had sold out and there was even a point during the evening, when a war nearly broke out over seating arrangements. The war was eventually extinguished by a lovely gentleman who graciously gave up his seat so a couple could sit together. Living fricking legend, that fella.

Greeted on this occasion by a delightful mini cup cake, we took our seats amongst a plethora of mismatched furniture, neatly placed in tightly packed rows.

Tiernan opened the evening with the classic “who are you? What do you do?" warm up. He struck gold with a man on the third row who turned out to be a scientist called Dr Steinenburgh (Ok, I forgot his actual name but it sounded like an evil genius) who has an army of robots who cut people up, and which occasionally play the drums.

After we had been well and truly warmed with laughter, and the body heat of about 50+ people crammed into a rather intimate venue, the first act of the evening, James Acaster came to the stage.

Instantly proving his keen eye and ability to improvise, James started his act by reuniting two friends, stuck at the entrance of the gig, with a gentleman sat at the front. James had noticed that this man had recognized his friends during the warm up and thusly started to point and text them. Having selected his “mark”, James continued probe the man for information which rolled seamlessly into his personable routine.

The audience immediately warmed to James, as he shared his stories of social awkwardness and great days out. He kept us enthralled as he crept around the stage, physically reenacting some of the more cringe worthy moments of his past. James has a very real and genuine outlook to his performance which makes him exceedingly likable.

The second of the night came the most notorious “sorry, madam. This one’s broken. Can you hear that?” man from the Crunchy Nut adverts, Matt Green. I spent the whole evening (in between enjoying myself immensely) trying to work out where I had seen him before. I was so relieved when I finally it worked out, which was instantaneously followed by sense of deep sadness. My life has seemingly shifted to agonizingly trying to place people I have seen in breakfast cereal advertisements.

Matt is a dry witted comedian who confidently delivered his preview show with an incredibly calm persona. His polished performance encapsulated the audience as he described his frustration at the “volcanic ash advisory centre”in Kent, the embarrassing turmoil which can occur following a bed full of rose petals and he concluded his set by sharing a ridiculously funny tale involving a blissfully unaware gentleman, a bin and a rat. He is previewing his Fringe show in Brighton this month.

Tiernan punctuated the acts by producing his Real or Made Up Band Name quiz,featuring such awesome names as:
“Elephantitus”
“Tubelord”
“Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs”
“Oooh Danone”

I really want there to be a band called Oooh Danone. I think they would be actively good. (Sorry :-p)

The last act of the first half was Rude Tube front man Alex Zane. I had been chatting with him for a little while prior to the show, thinking “he looks very much like that dude off that You Tube clip show”, but decided I was mistaken because firstly, he was talking to me, and secondly he seemed unusually nervous.

His nerves followed him on to the stage, but despite his occasionally erratic delivery, he created some lovely material. His set focused heavily on movies, which meant a couple of jokes were inaccessible to people unfamiliar with a particular movie reference, but there were many notable moments of awesome such as the amazing imagery of mind wrestling food stuffs with drawn on faces. It is clear that Alex’s show is still a work in progress, but once it has been finely honed, it will be an interesting show to see at the fringe this year.

After a wee break, in both the colloquial and literal sense of the word, the second part of the night was due to start.

Tiernan opened the second half by previewing some of his new material. Now, as Tiernan had been MCing all evening, my memory has managed to muddle itself up (the fact I had had 2 pints by this stage is merely coincidental), but I will attempt to review it just the same.

Tiernan, predominately known for his delightful use of word play and endearingly unique view on the world, has once again kept his material topical by focusing on current political events. Citing his amusing take on the current debate, he made the audience chuckle by comparing the last week’s political debate with family feud. Although the content of his material may be slightly “hazey” to me, the audience definitely enjoyed his ramblings. It will be interesting to see how his topical material evolves passed May 6th. Tiernan is previewing his solo show at Brighton Fringe on the 6th / 7th May.

Nat Luurtsema was the only female act of the evening. I worry when a female comedian takes to the stage as so many of them focus their material solely on the female stereotypical themes. It upsets me to see comedians talk of nothing cake, weight, periods and boyfriends. Luckily Nat hadn’t fallen completely into this trap. She made reference to make up, breasts and feminism, but these topics were usually interspersed with a dark punch line. The act was slightly slow in pace, with a couple of pauses which seemed to linger slightly, but she definitely won the hearts of those who attended.

The second to last act of the night was a magical number by Peter Firman.
Peter took to the spot light with carrier bag and a smile. As a sworn in member of the magic circle, he has vowed to keep the methods of his art a secret. For this reason, his disappearing party ring trick still tortures me with untold mystery. Peter's pun filled one liners recieved a fondly meant, and most likely expected, groan from the audience which lead into his final trick involving his carrier bag of cooking ingredients.

The finale of this star studded evening featured the renowned poet Tim key. This literary genius has made televisual appearances, reading his disjointed nuggets of creative gold, on Charlie Brooker's BBC4 show "screenwipe", as well as co hosting "We need answers" with Mark Watson and Alex Horne.
After what can only be loosely described as "smartening up" by including a tie about his person, Tim commenced his act by reading out his poetic masterpieces and surreptitiously punctuating the poem with underlying narrative. He also went on to give the audience advice on becoming a successful poet and told us tales of personal experience.
Tim's dead pan and broody delivery of his poet character, seemed to melt the audience who were hanging on his every action, including a teeth clenching few moments where his actions involved performing a difficult party trick.

All in all, Fat Tuesday has been the best comedy show I've experienced in London so far this year. I have never had the pleasure seeing of so many brilliant acts for such a steal of a ticket price. Do check out the Fat Tuesday line up here = http://www.tiernandouieb.co.uk/fattuesday-listings.htm
and make sure you order your tickets in advance to avoid disappointment

Saturday, 17 April 2010

Bloggidy boo!


It's Saturday afternoon and I'm still lying in bed wondering what to do for the day. Sadly, my pondering has left me with very little of today left to um... do.

I have been listening to 6 music today as the Irish grumpmister michael legge had somehow pleaded his way into the still luke warm seat of Richard herring, who is finishing his hitler moustashe tour.

For those of you that haven't listened to the precious little podcast, michael is rather colourful in his handling of the english language. Yes *English* language, suck it up Irish/scotish/Canadian imitators, we got the language first. This led to most precious little podos being hooked on the 3 hour show, awaiting the inevitable moment where a naughty word slipped out. To our mild disappointment, Michael and andrew both did splendidly. I was quite surprised at the level of broadcasting chemistry between the pair of them. I was left pondering how they would explain their broadcasting infidelity to their respective broadcasting partners.
.....
James holding a defensive stance, his back to michael looking over his shoulder, holding back the tears "why didn't you come to the precious little recording michael?" Michael fumbling with his fingers, before mumbling "i had something on in London." in a voice only loud enough for James (and maybe leprecauns) to hear. "something on michael? You mean like being *on* the radio with another host?!" James would say while storming over to the laptop and blaring out the iplayer version.
.....

Anyway.

This week has been interesting. It started with my friends wedding on saturday, which left me fearing for my health after we all decided to eat part of the plastic table decorations.

Tuesday I went to see the recording of Russell howard's good news which was fab. They has the French spiderman as the special guest. He was brilliant. I watched the broadcasted version on thursday, and they actually cut out the best parts of the interview which included a story of him getting a boner while seeing a nudey woman in a building he was scaling, and how he continually gets arrested.

Most excitingly of all, I was introduced to the wonders of an oyster card! How the fricking hell have I not had one of these before? I felt like some kind of VIP flashing my access card when I could hop through the barriers while others needed to fiddle about with peasent paper passes. Muhahaha I'm now queen of the underground.

Friday I had an internal interview which consisted of a role play presentation where I had to present our internally configured management system as a customer relationship management tool. This was quite a feat as the only reason we don't sell it is because it isn't currently marketable. The other tricky thing about this situation is the fact that we are predominately a recruitment software house which meant I had to do a lot of research. Now the idea of "selling" something is new to me. I'm really a techical person rather than sales, but luckily this worked in my favour when I had to answer development questions which were thrown my way. I still haven't fully decided which route I want to take my career in. Do I want to move into management or into technical? The role I am being interviewed for is SME Account Manager (which I already do as I manage 40 accounts on top of my other workload). Taking this job would mean I would have management in my title, but would mean I would be leaving the techical configuration side behind. Tricky

I should hear back next week if they want to have an informal face to face interview with me.


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Monday, 12 April 2010

Mafia Banks

I was shocked to discover that Natwest is a Mafia bank that is getting in the way of my funds being transered. Thank the lord for Rev. Pastor James:

From: REV.PASTOR JAMES [info@rev.com]
Subject: THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR FUND(REV.JAMES)

Greetings,

I am Rev. Pastor James Smith. a computer scientist working with central bank of Nigeria. I just started work with C.B.N. and I came across your file which was marked X and your released disk painted RED, I took time to study it and found out that you have paid VIRTUALLY all fees and but the fund was not released to you.

The most annoying thing is that they won't tell you the truth that on no account will they ever release the fund to you, instead they allow you spend money unnecessarily, I do not intend to work here all the days of my life, I can release this fund to you if you can certify me of my security.

I needed to do this because you need to know the statues of your Funds and cause for the delay, Please this is like a Mafia setting in Nigeria, you may not understand it because you are not a Nigerian. The only thing needed to release this fund is the Anti drug/terrorist clearance certificate which will be tendered to any of your nominated bank and the INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE (IRS) for clearance of the transferred amount in your account.

Once the Anti drug /terrorist clearance certificate is obtained funds will immediately reflect in your bank within 10 Minutes, the certificate is all that is needed to complete this transaction.

Note that the actual funds are valued at $15.5 MILLION USD and the president made a compensation fund release for all unpaid beneficiary valued at $10 million usd.

Listed below are the mafias and banks behind the non release of your funds that I managed to sneak out for your kind perusal.

1)DR ROGERS ADEWALE
2) Senator David Mark
3) Chief Joseph Sanusi
4) Dr. R. Rasheed
5) Barrister Awele Ugorji
6) Mr. Roland Ngwa
7) Barrister Ucheuzo Williams
8) Mr. Ernest Chukwudi Obi
9) Dr. Patrick Aziza
Deputy Governor - Policy / Board Member
10) Mr. Tunde Lemon
Deputy Governor - Financial Sector Surveillance / Board Member
11) Mrs. W. D. A. Mshelia
Deputy Governor - Corporate Services / Board Members
12) Mrs. Okonjo Iweala
13) Mrs. Rita Ekwesili
14) Barr Jacob Onyema
15) Dr. Godwin Oboh: Director Union Bank Of Nigeria.
16) Mr. John Collins: Global Diplomat Director.
17) Foreign fund diplomatic courier
18) Barr. Becky Owens
19) Rev. Steven Jones
20) Bank of Africa
21) Mrs. Debbie Hargrove
22) Mr. Michael Wagner
23) Barr. Isa Farid
24) Dr. Raymond Faye< /i>
25) Ibraheem Fashola
26) Dr. Leslie Fawaz
27) Mercy Fajaroo
28) Walter K. Falana
29) Azeez Fatou
30) Ibrahim Fabumi
31) Daniel Faras
32) Michael Faras
33) Minassa Fernandez
34) Viresh Fernando
35) Deacon Diende Fernandez
36) Ben Felix
37) Dr. Ige Femi
38) Chen Hsiu Fei
39) Gloria Festus
40) Lopez Fernando
41) Aloye Fidelis
42) Augusto Fish
43) Dr. Raymond Fingesi
44) Dr. Martin Fibu
45) Joseph Finn
46) Ogom Fidelis
47) Jennifer H. Fiedler
48) Dr. Jimmy Fowler
49) Robert Fortin
50) Dr. Sharon Forrest
51) Prince Michael Fofano
52) Sarah Fofano
53) Tony Foster
54) Dr. Koman Fofar
55) Samuel Fona
56) Grace Fona
57) Funmi Folorunso
58) Mike Franklin
59) Egbo Francois
60) George Freeman
61) Senator Jude Fred
62) Paul Frank
63) Dr. Francis Fregere
64) Walter Freer < /font>
65) Olu-Segun Fredrick
66) Justice Philip Francis
67) Raul Franco
68) Desmond Fred
69) Madu Frank
70) Rita Frank
71) Godwin Frank
72) Dr. J. Frances
73) Frank Francis
74) Derrick Frans
75) Kingsley Fred
76) Dr. Carlos Frederico
77) Dr Ola Funmilowo
78) Alan Fumbi
79) Vincent Fuso
80) Dr. John Fugar
81) William Funsho
82) Michael Funsho
83) Shahla Ghasemi
84) Ali-Reza Ghasemi
85) Martins Gambari
86) Jim Gallo
87) Paulo Gato
88) Ben Gafhar
89) Byron Gate
90) Arthur Gai
91) Shinder Gangar
92) Lopez Garvin
93) Abdul Gafah
94) Dr. Rufus Gaba
95) Alhaji Garba
96) Dr. Frank Gani
97) Brigadier Williams Gal
98) Egonna Duru Gal
99) Lucky Garbi
100)Sadique Gadaffi
101) Federick Ike Ganziri
102) Dr. Dennis Gavey
103) Jose Sanchez Garcia
104) Ahmed Gana
105) Jose A. Garcia
106) Major Archie Gates
107) Bavolleni Gallilo
108) Musa Galadima
109) Shehu Galadima
110) Barr. Imam Galadima
111) Barr. Jerry Galadima
112) Mustapha Gambo
113) Dr. Isah Gambo
114) Usman Gambo
115) Engr. Isaac Garuba
116) Alhani Azeez Garuba
117) Engr. Sule Garuba
118) Idris Garuba
119) Mustapha Garuba
120) ADB Bank Ouagadougou Burkina Faso
121) FSA UK
122) NATWEST BANK
123) ECO Bank
124) Credit Bank
125) Barr Greg Thompson
126) Mr Bello
127)Jones Williams
128)Scott Daniel
129)Thomas Brown
130)Bisi carlson
130)Jeff Peter
Do get in touch with me to with this email address( rev.pastor.jamessmith@live.com) and my direct phone +2348083010470 conclude this final transaction immediately, and also send to me your convenient tel/fax numbers for easy communications.

Regards,
Rev. Pastor James smith.

Thursday, 8 April 2010

The end of mr wrestler...

(Warning: written on iPhone so typos will be present!)

I'm sorry I haven't updated this blog for a little while. I have been struggling to make the time to just sit down and write about what I have been doing, because I have been too busy doing it.

I have now got 2 regular readers who have both requested a blog update about mr wrestler guy (One of these readers is my friend who was there at the time my date dilemma kicked off anyway!)

It didn't do well with mr tall wrestler guy. Please sit tight as I try and remember what happened
*wiggly lines of hazey memories*

It was a Saturday night and I arranged to go out for a beverage session with my friends. After discussing this outing with Mr Tall-yPants through the medium of text, I, somewhat foolishly, decided to invite him along. I told him that I would meet him at the bar at 9 and that I would text him once I had left my friends house, following a small amount of pre-drink drinks. He like always, text back instantly, suggesting that he come along to my friend’s house. Having rejected his rather rude offer to invade my friend's abode, I suggested he may wish to bring some mates with him to the pub as it was going to be all girls. This suggestion was met with the instantaneous prickly retort "I thought you wanted to see me not my mates!". Goodness gracious! All I was trying to do was make him feel a little more comfortable because none of my male friends could make it and he would be swimming in a sea of flange.
After managing to explain myself, he said his friends had gone to Brighton but wanted me to confirm I still wanted him to come.

Much vodka and girly hair faff happened before we booted up and head off. I had forgotten to text him to say we'd set off, but as we turned the corner, we noticed he was already waiting outside the bar. He hadn't even sat inside, just lingered awkwardly to one side of the entrance.

The girls and I ordered a pitcher of cocktail and he sat down next to me in a rather predatory manner. He proceeded to rudely steal me away from the group discussion, by directing all his conversation *at* me instead of to the whole group. This was made worse on two fronts. The first being the fact that this conversation consisted of him telling me he had bought new bed sheets, tidied his room as well boasting about the numerous colours of work shirts he possesses. I mean really. Listen up boys... The fact you tidied your room will not be an impressive enough fact for us lady folks to want to jump on your fleshy pogo stick. Also, the array of colours in your wardrobe does not interest me, why the hell would it? The second fact about this conversation which caused me untold torment was the fact that this was not the first time he had told me about his shirts. This wasn't even the second time he told me about his shirts. This was meeting number 3 and I was enduring the tedium of shirt colour for third time. This was strike one. I need someone who has something interesting to say. Anyone who can repeat the same diabolical clothes story more than once within only 3 times of meeting me, really isn't going to be worthy of any sort of commitment.

Strike 2 story.

This happened when he broached the subject of our mutual acquaintance that he works / slept with. As you know, I already knew about this situation but I hadn't mentioned it to either mr wrestler or my friend. After boring me senseless with his shirts, he unsubtlely moved on to the topic of facebook friends. He admitted to checking though who I knew and wanted to know how I knew ****** I explained that she is best friends with one of the ladies who had been sat with us the whole evening. Hot tip number 2. If you've made the effort to tidy your room in hope of scoring, do not proceed to belittle and insult the friend of your potential sex pot. I had to actually stop him mid vitriolic spew to explain that he was talking about a friend of ours.

Strike 3

I left to visit the room of little girls for a bit of an escape. One of my friends joined me a little while later to say that he had commenced an interrogation as soon as I has left. Does she like me? Why doesn't she text me? What has she said about me? Hot tip number 3. Never say things about the woman you hope to snuggle, to her friends. They are "her" friends and will tell her! Idiot!

....and you're out!

Thankfully the night had drawn to a close but unfortunately the twonk wanted to walk me home. He continued to hound me to confirm my feelings for him, which I skirted around because he is bigger than me and I didn't fancy being on the rough end of his aggression. I tried to make my excuses to get in my flat, when he pulled out this little doozy. " I don't really like walking back on my own at night" really? Really? He must have been clasping at the very last sex starved straw to think I would have invited him in after that. I don't think he was necessarily geared up for me offering to walk him along the "scariest" parts as I walk that way all the time and wouldn't find it in the least bit intimidating to walk back alone having dropped him off.

Coward

I decided enough was enough so I sorted this out once and for all. I very bravely text him to inform him that he weirded me out and he is too much hard work. I then prepared myself to valiantly face my decision, by turning my phone off.

So there you have it. The end of mr wrestler. It really is a wonder why I'm single isn't it....



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Friday, 19 March 2010

Second test drive....

Hiya!

I have been completely and utterly shattered this week so I’m sorry for the delay in updating.

I guess my main update today will need to cover the second “test drive” with mr wrestler dude. Now I am already aware that I make a rather splendid girlfriend, but unfortunately I tend to act like a wild horse during a “breaking” session on a date. In an attempt to swerve the awkward interview style dating procedure, I suggested that our second date should be at a pub quiz.

*checks phone to see if she has any relevant textual material to fill this section*

Ah yes, I remember now.

This gentleman seems rather insecure. This isn’t usually so much of an issue, except that this particular gentleman is also 6ft 5 and is an ex wrestler. I am starting to believe that these two parts of his personality might be at war. He tried to call me on Sunday. When I was unable to answer, he called again, straight after he hung up from the first call attempt. When it became clear that I was not available (for the second time in 2 minutes), he sent me a text to tell me that he had tried to call. All of these seems a little overly keen for my liking, like a dog that has forgotten what having a bone is all about. We arranged the date, and after a few messages from him asking if he could turn up to mine early and whether or not I was looking forward to seeing him (and replies from me basically trying to make it known that there is absolutely no rush needed in us getting to know each other), we settled on going to a pub quiz.

Now apart from the fact I love quizzes, the true, underhand, self serving reason for suggesting a pub quiz, was because it gives me a clear idea of how intelligent people are.

He met me from my flat (the location of which my mother still cant believe that I told him) and we started our walk to the pub. He presented me with a malteaser bunny which I once mentioned was one of my favourite chocolates, which I thought was sweet. (Unintentional bad pun there)

The quiz was interesting. It turns out that this chap is actually quite clever. The authenticity of this claim is unclear, but apparently he did an IQ test when he was 12 and was given a year’s free membership to mensa. Does this make me a bad person that I was quite turned on by that? (Not the 12 year’s old part, you filthy pervert!) I just love smart people. What I found tricky about the evening was the fact that every time the new chappy spoke to someone in the pub, he would come across as quite aggressive. I worried for the life of the quiz master at one point, when wrestler boy realised that our marks had been calculated incorrectly.

He walked me home again at the end of the night and we concluded things with a second date pash on the lips. I said I had to head off to bed as I was tired. In fact each time I said something rather subtle about wanting to go to sleep, he would mutter something that I guess is supposed to be seductive in some way. In the end, I had to physically break through a moment of passion by pushing him a side saying something along the lines of “you need to leave and go home now; I’m going in there, alone, to sleep”.

I have had a further few texts from this gentleman since. Some of them are very “do you like me *twist the back foot for effect*” though which is a bit teenage emo for my liking and is not a trait that I particularly fancy.

I am in a bit of a moral quandary as my head is telling me that he is going to be too much trouble, but the other half of me is going “did you not see that he is 6ft 5?!” “he has been a member of mensa don’t you know” I’m confused.

It’s late so I’m going to leave it there for now.

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

Here goes. A dose of hard hitting real

This will not be a particularly funny entry. In fact I am expecting it to be fairly self serving and pitying.

I don't expect you to trawl through my brain farts, but I would like to thank you in advance if you decide to stick with it. Any advice would be welcome.

I had promised myself that I would use this new blog as a way of improving my writing skills. I occasionally make myself giggle at some unusual ideas or thoughts that I have on every day subjects and I figured writing a blog would be a good way to try and express these. I hope with time, determination and a lot of constructive criticism from others, I can make it into something that makes other people smile too.

Today's blog is not going to be a light hearted look at the mundane. Today, I am struggling to remember how to be that usual smiley, outrageous person.

Some time ago, before I up sticks and moved my life to the south coast, I suffered with an incy wincey bit of depression. This word still creates a bitter taste in my mouth. There is a huge amount of stigma attached to being branded depressed, and even I hold my own prejudice about the condition. I am a very competitive person and I usually succeed at what ever I put my mind to. Reaching a stage in my life where I hated the fact that I was still alive in the morning and knowing that I had another day to live made me feel weak and pathetic.

Even now, 2 years on, I still struggle to deal with the fact that I wasn't strong enough to cope with the every day.

I did have a lot on my plate at the time which I'm sure added to the overwhelming inability to cope. My first real relationship was breaking down, my job and office politics had become completely unbearable, I had money worries and I was lacking something to work towards.

I would have tremours at night, I couldn't sleep, I felt increasingly paranoid and worthless, I had (and still do to some extent) a very unhealthy relationship with food. I would walk down the street and assume that anyone I heard giggling was making fun of me.

Remembering all these emotions and confusion is hard. I know that I don’t want to be that person again. I refused to take any sort of drug to battle this, but I did end up being referred for CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) They help you identify what is triggering the shift in mood and work out how to rationalise and correct the way you feel about it. It was hard to face up to, but I worked very hard to ensure that I wasn’t beaten by my own self.

I applied for a new job which ended up being 7 hours away from Lancaster, I was successful and moved my whole life to the other end of the country where I didn’t know a single person. This set me a new challenge and a way to rebuild myself, and it still remains the best thing I have ever done.

The reason I am writing about this is because I have noticed a few of traits I fought against, creeping back.

I am at an increased level of stress at the moment. I am currently doing the workload of 3 people and not paid nearly enough for the privilege, I live in a studio flat which is smaller than your average size hamster cage, I'm approaching 30 and I feel like I am decades behind my peers who are married, have a house, children and careers.

I worry that I am using twitter as a form of escapism to draw focus away from the issues that I need to face. I have noticed that I crave to be accepted by people in online communities, rather than being excited by how accepted I am in my real life world. I have noticed that if someone is pissed off at something, I instantly assume that I am the root cause, even if that person doesn’t even really know me.

These things worry me. Don't get me wrong, the people I have met / speak to via twitter or forums are awesome and I love the fact that we share similar passions which my friends here don't completely understand. I just don’t want to fall into the trap of forgetting how reality works.

I'm just feeling a bit scared that I will forget how to cope again.

Hopefully strong independent women status will resume shortly.


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