This will not be a particularly funny entry. In fact I am expecting it to be fairly self serving and pitying.
I don't expect you to trawl through my brain farts, but I would like to thank you in advance if you decide to stick with it. Any advice would be welcome.
I had promised myself that I would use this new blog as a way of improving my writing skills. I occasionally make myself giggle at some unusual ideas or thoughts that I have on every day subjects and I figured writing a blog would be a good way to try and express these. I hope with time, determination and a lot of constructive criticism from others, I can make it into something that makes other people smile too.
Today's blog is not going to be a light hearted look at the mundane. Today, I am struggling to remember how to be that usual smiley, outrageous person.
Some time ago, before I up sticks and moved my life to the south coast, I suffered with an incy wincey bit of depression. This word still creates a bitter taste in my mouth. There is a huge amount of stigma attached to being branded depressed, and even I hold my own prejudice about the condition. I am a very competitive person and I usually succeed at what ever I put my mind to. Reaching a stage in my life where I hated the fact that I was still alive in the morning and knowing that I had another day to live made me feel weak and pathetic.
Even now, 2 years on, I still struggle to deal with the fact that I wasn't strong enough to cope with the every day.
I did have a lot on my plate at the time which I'm sure added to the overwhelming inability to cope. My first real relationship was breaking down, my job and office politics had become completely unbearable, I had money worries and I was lacking something to work towards.
I would have tremours at night, I couldn't sleep, I felt increasingly paranoid and worthless, I had (and still do to some extent) a very unhealthy relationship with food. I would walk down the street and assume that anyone I heard giggling was making fun of me.
Remembering all these emotions and confusion is hard. I know that I don’t want to be that person again. I refused to take any sort of drug to battle this, but I did end up being referred for CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) They help you identify what is triggering the shift in mood and work out how to rationalise and correct the way you feel about it. It was hard to face up to, but I worked very hard to ensure that I wasn’t beaten by my own self.
I applied for a new job which ended up being 7 hours away from Lancaster, I was successful and moved my whole life to the other end of the country where I didn’t know a single person. This set me a new challenge and a way to rebuild myself, and it still remains the best thing I have ever done.
The reason I am writing about this is because I have noticed a few of traits I fought against, creeping back.
I am at an increased level of stress at the moment. I am currently doing the workload of 3 people and not paid nearly enough for the privilege, I live in a studio flat which is smaller than your average size hamster cage, I'm approaching 30 and I feel like I am decades behind my peers who are married, have a house, children and careers.
I worry that I am using twitter as a form of escapism to draw focus away from the issues that I need to face. I have noticed that I crave to be accepted by people in online communities, rather than being excited by how accepted I am in my real life world. I have noticed that if someone is pissed off at something, I instantly assume that I am the root cause, even if that person doesn’t even really know me.
These things worry me. Don't get me wrong, the people I have met / speak to via twitter or forums are awesome and I love the fact that we share similar passions which my friends here don't completely understand. I just don’t want to fall into the trap of forgetting how reality works.
I'm just feeling a bit scared that I will forget how to cope again.
Hopefully strong independent women status will resume shortly.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iWaffle
5 years ago
hang in there sweets, i empathize with you
ReplyDeletedx
You are far from alone. Me and the wife are still living in a tiny studio flat, with no savings and not much disposable income and at work I'm doing the work of 3 people. Can't forsee a time when we can afford our own house maybe one day. My friend who got married last year lives in a one bedroom flat with his wife by when they were living in London beofre moving to Brighton they were in a minute studio flat. He's 44!
ReplyDeleteIt's not a competition to keep up with your peers. Once you find a lifestyle with which you are content it shouldn't matter what others are doing.
Couple of quick thoughts: 1) there is no shame in having trouble coping when your own brain chemistry is fighting you. 2) You're not alone, there's a ton of us dealing with this and trying to do it without drugs is both smart and rough. 3) There's a supplement I take to take the edge off. It's called 5htp (long name: 5-hydroxtryptophan) I've got no idea what the vitamin shopping is like where you are, but it's relatively common stuff. It is pretty strong, this is not some lame herb for people who've been feeling a little down in the dumps cause it's raining. If you decide to try it out start slow, (and take it with food) but no heinous side effects and it helps. It doesn't fix it, but it helps.
ReplyDeleteYou still are a strong independant woman - but we're all allowed to have shit days when everything is just wrong and too much to handle. The fact that you've successfully started a new life way away from home is amazing in itself!
ReplyDeleteAs for comparing yourself to your peers - don't, besides I bet they wish they were like you too some days. I'm guilty of that one too though so I know how you feel. Divorced by 25, can no longer afford to live alone so have to cohabit and only just got my arse to university. But still damn proud of myself ;p
You're going great x