I have decided to let you in to a little secret. For some reason, known only to the cosmos (and some select individuals) I am what is occasionally termed "on the market" (which is very different to being on the game, unless you are a stock broker in which case being on the market is a game in itself of sorts). Anyway, having held this title for number of months, I decided to venture into the dangerous and unpredictable world of online dating.
I have decided to share some message writing tips with you, based on some god awful replies I have received.
Should you wish to receive a response to an email message you send to a woman on these dating sites, please do not start an email with either of the following:
"I want to cum on your corset"
- My corset was expensive and is dry clean only. You want to cum on a corset, get your own bleeding corset
"I know you aren't in to this sort of thing, but reading your profile has left me with a semi"
- Firstly, you don't know me at all. Second of all, if my profile gives you a semi, you certainly couldn't handle the real thing honey.
If you are a teenager looking for a more experienced lady to play with, please do not send the following:
"Im interested if you let me take you to your bedroom and lick you out for hours:P"
- Come on sweetie, the emoticon is completely redundant due to the implied actions within the original text. Also, most men of our own age still need guidance in this area. Women over 25 do not want to start from scratch.
Always clean your keyboard:
how r u ? hoooooooop be coming gooood frinds xx
- I don't know if this is supposed to be some clever use of the letter o to connote a lengthy orgasm, or if you have a "sticky" keyboard, but either way it isn't big and it isn't clever. I also have no idea what a frind is, but I don't wish to become a goooooood one.
Poor grammer and/or lazy spelling are a big turn offs:
heyur fit and l love ur
- Look, would it really kill you to write this properly? "Hey. You're attractive and I love your eyes" Now as you can probably see from my corrections, I have cheekily assumed that you decided to use the word "fit" in an attempt to describe my beauty rather than my physical fitness level, as I haven't even mentioned my body pump class in my profile.
hello my name is and this is what about me i like to play sports all year round and my goal is joining the marines and i like all different kind of music and i like to watch sports on t.v and i like watching nascar and i like scary movies and comdie andi like to cuddle up after once i get to know you and iam kool guy to hang out with and i playing pool and go bowling and i like to work and i am very laid back guy and i get alone with everyone and im affectionate when the time is right i wannna get to know someone first befor i start dating them and go to see a movie and go out eat and if you Interested pls leave a message
- Where do I begin with this monstrosity? What strikes me instantly about this block of text is that the only full stop used in this entire collection of monosyllabic nonsense, is between the letters T and V. For future emails, job applications, or police statements, please note that “and I” is not a valid replacement for the humble full stop. I am also painfully aware of the severe lack of capital letters throughout this email. Much like the full top issues, you have only managed to use 1 capital letter, which appears to be right in the middle of a “sentence” (or, given that full stops have not been utilised on this occasion, phrases of text in which a breath must be taken to continue living. See! Lack of grammar can actually kill people.)
I have decided to share some message writing tips with you, based on some god awful replies I have received.
Should you wish to receive a response to an email message you send to a woman on these dating sites, please do not start an email with either of the following:
"I want to cum on your corset"
- My corset was expensive and is dry clean only. You want to cum on a corset, get your own bleeding corset
"I know you aren't in to this sort of thing, but reading your profile has left me with a semi"
- Firstly, you don't know me at all. Second of all, if my profile gives you a semi, you certainly couldn't handle the real thing honey.
If you are a teenager looking for a more experienced lady to play with, please do not send the following:
"Im interested if you let me take you to your bedroom and lick you out for hours:P"
- Come on sweetie, the emoticon is completely redundant due to the implied actions within the original text. Also, most men of our own age still need guidance in this area. Women over 25 do not want to start from scratch.
Always clean your keyboard:
how r u ? hoooooooop be coming gooood frinds xx
- I don't know if this is supposed to be some clever use of the letter o to connote a lengthy orgasm, or if you have a "sticky" keyboard, but either way it isn't big and it isn't clever. I also have no idea what a frind is, but I don't wish to become a goooooood one.
Poor grammer and/or lazy spelling are a big turn offs:
hey
- Look, would it really kill you to write this properly? "Hey. You're attractive and I love your eyes" Now as you can probably see from my corrections, I have cheekily assumed that you decided to use the word "fit" in an attempt to describe my beauty rather than my physical fitness level, as I haven't even mentioned my body pump class in my profile.
hello my name is
- Where do I begin with this monstrosity? What strikes me instantly about this block of text is that the only full stop used in this entire collection of monosyllabic nonsense, is between the letters T and V. For future emails, job applications, or police statements, please note that “and I” is not a valid replacement for the humble full stop. I am also painfully aware of the severe lack of capital letters throughout this email. Much like the full top issues, you have only managed to use 1 capital letter, which appears to be right in the middle of a “sentence” (or, given that full stops have not been utilised on this occasion, phrases of text in which a breath must be taken to continue living. See! Lack of grammar can actually kill people.)
The final deal breakers for me are the words “comdie” and “kool”. It is not possible for me to explain just how much these mutilated words offend me, so I shall not try.
This is as far as I have managed to get from horrific email responses from this week but I am half tempted to turn this into a regular blog spot as some of the responses i receive are hillarious.
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